“I can’t leave you. You’re the only person I love on Mondays and I fucking hate everyone on Mondays. I can’t give that up.”

somethingwittythiswaycomes:

themaleanachronism:

icoulduseinsouciantmaybe:

tastysoup:

honchcrow:

#but when are they hiring?

This is like the most urgent sign I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Whereas this is the most passive-aggressive sign.

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Im laughing so hard omg

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(via wakeupits-ericadarko)

theists:

me: *thinks about something really fucked up during class*

me: damn, it really is the quiet ones

(via lindsaysedgecombe)

thegrandarchives:

v fresh walmart product thegrandarchives:

v fresh walmart product
“Be careful who you call your friends. I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies”

Al Capone  (via hefuckin)

This has been my favorite quote since 9th grade

(via sassafranski)

(via meandmy69cats)

zagreus-taking-time-apart:

steampoweredsass:

zagreus-taking-time-apart:

We teach kids to fear animals like rats, snakes, spiders, etc. that are harmless 99% of the time but do we ever warn them about the real danger

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WHY DOES IT HAVE TEETH ON ITS TONGUE

I am a gooseologist and I can tell you that geese live on a healthy diet of children’s souls which can only be properly chewed with unholy tongue teeth

(via icantakeyoutothelandofthebroken)

imforeverjustyours:

Never Forget. imforeverjustyours:

Never Forget. imforeverjustyours:

Never Forget. imforeverjustyours:

Never Forget. imforeverjustyours:

Never Forget.

thebaconsandwichofregret:

casualdorkpatrol:

casualdorkpatrol:

so i was self-checking out at the grocery store and this comely stranger and I had been flirting a bit, and after they had finished checking out they went

" I DON’T HAVE FLOWERS TO GIVE YOU BUT I WISH I DID BUT HERE HAVE THIS."

AND THEY JUST GAVE ME A HEAD OF BROCCOLLI.

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Guess who’s got a daaaaate

every time this post comes back around it makes my day

(via icantakeyoutothelandofthebroken)

animalaspects:

animalaspects:

Here are some wonderful facts about Sea World’s orcas!

  • The average lifespan of wild orcas ranges from 30-50 years, although some females can easily make it past 80 (a wild orca named J2 or ‘Granny’ is 103 this year!). The lifespan of a Sea World orca is around 25 years, the median age being 9. But at least they put on a good show!
  • Don’t worry, collapsed dorsal fins are a common condition, although in the wild only sick or injured orcas have collapsed dorsal fins. All of Sea World’s males and some females have it, it makes them look unique! 
  • The size of Sea World’s tanks compared to an orca is about the same as a human to a bathtub. Lot’s of room to stretch and move!
  • Wild orcas swim 100+ miles a day, they would have to swim around their tank 1,400+ times a day to achieve that. But that seems like a lot of work, and you may see the animals hanging out near the surface of the water or on the bottoms of their tanks for hours. That’s a lot more relaxing than swimming all those miles!
  • Sea World gives their orcas a Valium-like drug to stop the whales from acting aggressively towards each other and to numb their minds from their vastly uninteresting concrete tanks. Buying a ticket to Sea World is an excellent way to help them pay for these drugs that they pump their animals full with!
  • Many captive orcas show abnormal behaviors like head bobbing, chewing on concrete, and self mutilation by banging their heads into the side of the tank. Obviously just temper-tantrums! Silly things.
  • In the wild, there has been only one orca attack. Bad orca! While in captivity, there have been over 100 attacks and 4 deaths. These animals just need more training, it couldn’t possibly be related to their confinement! 
  • Food is used as reinforcement for tricks. Do a trick, get your dinner. Don’t want to do a trick? I guess you don’t eat tonight you stubborn thing! 

See? Sea World isn’t as bad as people make it out to be! Oh, one more fact: for every $1,000,000 Sea World makes, about $600 goes into conservation efforts (about $0.5 a ticket). I’m so glad they care about conservation of the ocean! Amazing work!

Sources: (x) (x) (x) (x)

If you haven’t realized it yet, this post is 100% sarcastic. It should be obvious, but not everyone understands sarcasm…

Please don’t let this die

(via classified-jellyfish)

  • friend who lives hundreds of miles away: i made food
  • me: can i have some